Hello! I have been meaning to write for a really long time. Short version, while I have had a lot to say most of it wasn’t positive; well, none of it was positive. I am a believer that emotions need to acknowledged, but I don’t like it when the only thing one talks about are complaints. And, for a while, all I did was complain. No one has time for that… especially me.
At the end of June, as I was lamenting the forced time off from running, I managed to stay excited about the stuff I could do. I even started writing a post about it.
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When this runner can’t run, this runner finds a new hobby.
I am love the little bit of gardening that I have started! I just wanted to try to grow one thing. ONE. Zucchini. My first one is growing. My garden has grown from one zucchini and one strawberry to a raspberry, and two varieties of blueberries. I am beginning to look at ahead and what I can grow this fall and winter. Right now I am thinking beets, sweet potatoes and spaghetti squash.
When this runner’s house is damaged by a fire and as a result most of the outside projects that needed to be done are complete, this runner falls in love with her backyard again.
I never really liked being out back (fine outside at all) before. The new fence and deck make the back feel open and inviting. The new furniture is comfortable. I find myself smiling every time I step outside. I can’t wait to get the house organized again (waiting for a shelving unit from my mom) so we can have a welcome back party.
When this runner can’t run, this runner gets on her bike.
I still haven’t been able to lace up. One of my best running buddies is temporarily sidelined. We can ride bikes. It was awesome to be active in a different way. I am going to try to enjoy more bike rides this summer. Luckily, everyone in my family has a bike now, so I foresee at least a couple rides with them.
When this runner can’t run and is worried about gaining weight, this runner is thankful that her health insurance considers nutrition counseling preventative medicine.
My dietician, Karen, has been amazing. She is part nutrition counselor and part therapist. I feel like sometimes I make a lot of excuses (let’s be honest… I do). I have always been an emotional eater and 2017 is still not being kind. However, the ability to recognize self-destructive behavior and being accountable helps tremendously. Not going to lie, there have been some very ugly moments when the not caring and the feelings didn’t matter and I enjoyed whatever bit of morsel I shoveled in my mouth. Guilt and a tummy ache usually followed. However, each day is a new beginning. With my running outlet still off limits, finding alternatives has been hard. I am stubborn and enjoy a challenge.
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I had started to believe that the curse of 2017 was behind me and then the phone rang.
June 24th, I start grilling lunch and A.B. calls “You need to come get me. I was in an accident. My chest hurts. I think the car is totaled.”
My heart sank and my mind raced – “what do you mean your chest hurts, are you on the way to the hospital, where are you. 2017, you need to stop.” I had the foresight to turn off the grill, grab two bottles of water, and my keys. The stoplights played nicely, and I made it to the scene incredibly fast (while obeying all traffic laws).
His car is totaled. Her car is totaled. Not only could my untrained eye see extensive body/structural damage, but the air bags on both vehicles had deployed.
He told me he refused to be taken to the hospital, but thinks he needs to go and asked if he made the wrong choice. We finish up with the police officers and make our way to the emergency room. He is visibly uncomfortable in the truck; his hands look horrible and the heat is making everything worse. I keep reminding him to drink. We check in and wait. His hands are beginning to turn change from flesh colored to pink and oozing. I am thankful I brought the water and keep reminding him it is important to keep hydrated. We don’t wait that long, and are taken to a room. His hands are now turning from pink to bright pink. He is taken for blood work and a couple of tests. By this point, we have both calmed down and the bad jokes get started. I need the entertainment; he needs the distraction. Since the airbag and seatbelt did their jobs his chest is bruised, so every time he laughs, his chest hurts. Whoops. His hands turn from bright pink to purple and that is (thankfully) his biggest complaint. Second degree burns from an airbag! They did their job; small price to pay.
A.B. is given morphine to help with the pain from the burns. 
HAHA that was fun to watch it kick in; it’s even funnier than me on muscle relaxers. We are given a couple of prescriptions and discharge orders. The only people who knew what was going on were my younger brother, his wife and my friend, Stephanie. Before word spread, we made the decision to wait until we are home before we tell anyone else. My brother and sister in law call to check in because our oldest nephew is really worried and wanted to make sure A.B. was all right. Actually, talking to him wasn’t enough. He had to come over to see him.
That same weekend, a former co-worker’s seven year old son succumbed to his battle with cancer, and a friend from high school died suddenly. She was younger than me. Their deaths hit me hard. I hadn’t seen them in years, but it still left me in a funk. Inexplicably, the suicides of Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell hit me equally as hard. Normally, I am not affected by celebrity deaths (other than sympathy for their families). For whatever reason, their deaths left me questioning a lot and with all the trauma and drama of the first half of the year, I felt myself sinking into a depression.
I didn’t let too many people know how unhappy I was. I stopped trying to be social. I didn’t have motivation to do anything. Not that I was allowed to do much. The only thing I wanted to do is watch television and lay on my couch. While I had been focusing hard on nutrition and logging everything, my weight had crept up again (pretty certain it was a side effect of more steroids). My neck was still messed up and all my doctors said in regards to running was to ease back into it slowly and listen to your body. At that point, my body was still saying no.
As the depression lingered and it was noticeable to those who see me daily, I was asked about seeing a counselor. Having felt like this before (similar thoughts and emotions from when my dad died), I felt that the depression was situational, and I wanted to give myself some time to process through it before seeking professional help. I gave myself a time frame
and if I didn’t start feeling like the depression was getting better or that it was getting worse I would make an appointment. Side note – I have received counseling before. It takes a brave and strong person to admit they need help and seek it. As I hoped, once all the craziness of his accident eased up, I started to feel better.
Thankfully, the second half of the year has been better.
Mentally, I don’t feel like I am in a fog. Physically, I am just now beginning to feel like myself again. Since July, there have been a lot of just happy and good.
My biggest struggle to date is reminding myself that I am coming back. I can’t jump back into my old routines. Like my doctor emphasized – slowly ease back into everything. Thankfully, my circle is strong and protective. They have given me the look and talks about not risking progress.
I am using November as my opportunity to get into the habits that I want to see come December. I may not be where I want to be, but I am getting there and for that I am grateful. I have used the analogy of the phoenix several times this year; I find it ironic that I am considering now a re-birth as we are approaching Fall and Winter. They are my favorite seasons, so I will go with it. 
crazierbythemile 